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Subject: Consumers take notice!
--[snip]--
by Susan Hewitt and Edward Subitsky
from "The Journal of Irreproducible Results", v36, #1
As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend
toward
legislation that requires the prominent placing of warnings on
products
that present hazards to the general public. Yet we must also offer the
cautionary thought that such warnings, however well-intentioned,
merely
scratch the surface of what is really necessary in this important
area.
this is especially true in the light of the findings of 20th century
physics.
We are therefore proposing that, as responsible scientists, we join
together in an intensive push for new laws that will mandate the
conspicuous placement of suitably informative warnings on the
packaging
of every product offered for sale in the United States of America. Our
suggested list of required warnings appears below.
Warning: this product warps time and space in its vicinity.
Warning: this product attracts every other piece of matter in the
universe, including the products of other manufacturers, with a force
proportional to the product of the masses and inversely proportional
to
the distance between them.
Caution: the mass of this product contains the energy equivalent of 85
million tons of TNT per net ounce of weight.
Handle with extreme care: this product contains minute electrically-
charged particles moving at velocities in excess of five hundred
million
miles per hour.
Consumer notice: due to the Uncertainty Principle, it is impossible
for
the user to find out at the same time both precisely where this
product
is and how fast it is moving.
Advisory: there is an extremely small but nonzero chance that, through
a
process known as "tunneling," this product may spontaneously disappear
from its present location and reappear at any random place in the
universe, including your neighbor's domicile. The manufacturer is not
responsible for any damages or inconvenience that may result.
Read before opening package: according to certain suggested versions
of
a grand unified field theory, the primary particles constituting this
product may decay to nothingness within the next four hundred million
years.
This is a 100% matter product. In the unlikely event that this product
should contact antimatter in any form, a catastrophic explosion will
result.
Public notice as required by law: any use of this product, in any
manner
whatsoever, will increase the amount of disorder in the universe.
Although no liability is implied herein, the user is warned that this
process
will
ultimately lead to the heat death of the universe.
Note: the most fundamental particles of this product are held together
by
a "gluing" force about which little is currently known and whose
adhesive
power cannot therefore be permanently guaranteed.
Attention: despite any other listing of product contents found hereon,
the consumer is advised that, in actuality, this product consists of
99.9999999999% empty space.
New grand unified theory disclaimer: although the manufacturer may
technically be entitled to claim that this product is ten-dimensional,
the consumer is reminded that this confers no legal rights above and
beyond
those applicable to three-dimensional objects, since the seven new
dimensions are "rolled up" into such a small "area" that they cannot
be
detected.
Please note: some quantum physics theories suggest that when the
consumer
is not directly observing this product, it may cease to exist or or
will
exist only in a vague and undetermined state.
Component equivalency notice: the subatomic particles comprising this
product are exactly the same in every measurable respect as those used
in
the products of other manufacturers, and no claim to the contrary may
legitimately be expressed or implied.
Health warning: care should be taken when lifting this product, since
its
mass, and thus its weight, is dependent on its velocity relative to
the
user.
Important notice to purchasers: the entire physical universe,
including
this product, may one day collapse back into an infinitessimally small
space. Should another universe subsequently re-emerge, the existence
of
this product in that universe cannot be guaranteed.
----- End Included Message -----
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